Does She or Doesn't She

I am indebted to my mother in so many ways. She was a wonderful person and I owe my sense of right and wrong and "class" to her and my Grandmothers.

She could be a bit hysterical in her mothering philosophy. When I was very small, I remember fervently believing if you said "damn" or "hell" (the extent of my cussing vocabulary) 10 times, you would be struck by lightning sent from above. You have to understand, my mother never TOLD me this, it was something I gleaned from her demeanor and my sunday school education (which never said that either, I was just a hysterical child).

My mother thought coffee drinkers were evil, (This made no sense, my mother created laws that made no sense. A large part of my awareness of the evilness of everything was from listening to her gossip with my grandmothers both who drank coffee), cigarette smoking women were loose and so were certain health care professionals, namely nurses. I do not know where the evil nurse thing came from except she and my grandmother seemed to feel that since nurses worked grave yard shifts, drank coffee and sometimes were spotted smoking, they were evil. See, if you work graveyard shifts around MEN, namely doctors, you were bound to consort with them after smoking all those cigarettes and drinking demon coffee.

Another sure sign of looseness in my mother's eyes was hair dye and certain styles of makeup. (Remember the old commercials for hair dye,"Does she or doesn't she. ) I have no idea why. This was not a conviction borne out of her religious beliefs. The denomination we were apart of did not condemn hair dye, makeup, coffee or even smoking really since back then the majority of the adult population smoked. Sigh.

I decided at a very young age (bitter middle child) that I was NOT GOING TO BE LIKE MY MOTHER. I have therefore made many mistakes trying to not be like my mother. I felt she was too dependant on my father and should have divorced him which made me more open to the divorce solution when the rocks started jutting more painfully in my 19 year marriage.

When I was younger I was a make-up fanatic who would not leave home to even go to the grocery without the proper made up attire. And as a teenager my makeup reached hysterical proportions, a pre-goth look entirely my own. I am a little looser about the whole makeup thing and have been spotted (gasp) out and about completely makeup free at times.

My hair started turning gray when I was 28, just a strand here or there. I immediately decided to remedy the situation. I have had many hair disasters and colors. It has been a ghastly maroon and a hideous pale blond that made my head look like a light bulb. My hair is naturally a light brown. It currently is a dark reddish blond. It is supposed to be dark blond but if I use an ash color it turnes a greenish hue. (nothing worse than showing up at work with a new heinous shade of green on your head) If I go too light it washes out my complexion. I have, at times in the past, paid big bucks to have it colored. I am currently braving it myself though I can see the days of professional coloring on the horizon again to try to get it right.

As my mother aged, sanity crept in and she was no longer so hystrionic in her parenting approaches. My 9 and 11 year younger sister and brother had a much different type of parenting style and have no clue about how my mom was "back then". She was an excellent example and my mentor when I had my first child.

I have in the past and am trying now to be a little more like her, now that the waves of destruction from my divorce have calmed considerably. I do want to emulate her stability and strength of character. That does not mean I plan to give up coffee or stop dyeing my hair. I don't plan to reconcile with my unstable ex-husband or stop wearing makeup. I do want to be there for my children and be a source of stability for the family.

I want to like my mother (only the good parts).