Get a Life

I have now been back in my home state of MS for a little over 9 months. I have adjusted now somewhat and not experiencing as much the culture shock that always occurs with a move from one region to another.

I have not lived close to extended family for any real period of time about 20 years. That means holidays were spent either traveling back home or were somewhat lonely times. My parents and siblings have always been great and sent us huge boxes full of gifts for the kids if we were unable to make it home for Christmas. Other holidays were spent alone or at times with other such orphaned families.

My kids started moving back home without me and that made for even lonelier minor holidays. I am very happy to be with not only extended family but immediate family all in one state.

I don't, however, have much of a personal life. It takes me a while to make female friends. I feel it is better if I do not date so that I can devote more time to my kids. So I am bored. Sigh. I need more of a life. I need to LIVE life more and not be so lazy. There are so many things I want to do that I don't just because I don't want to exert the effort.

Oh well, at least I have the cat. Yes, the cat, who once again needs a bath and to have his hair balls cut off. Aargh. Maybe I can make a really good friend who loves cats so much that they will volunteer to bathe my cat or better yet, invite the cat to live at their house so that they can spend more quality time with him. It would be an extreme sacrifice to let the cat go. But no sacrifice is too great for friendship. Right?

(I really did not mean to talk about the cat but he is laying on the couch snoring depositing hair on the couch since he has so much hair everything he touches including my bed which I KNOW HE SLEEPS ON IN THE DAYTIME SINCE THERE IS USUALLY A FINE LAYER OF CAT HAIR ON THE SHEETS EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS HE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY BED. Sorry.)

Study makes Perfect

I will be getting another license at work. This one will enable me to earn commission on top of my base salary. This is the step I have been waiting for.

That is the good news. The bad news is that I will now be studying for a couple of weeks AGAIN for another test. However, this time WILL BE DIFFERENT. I WILL NOT BECOME OBSESSED WITH GETTING A PERFECT GRADE. I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO MEMORIZE THE ENTIRE MANUAL. I am more relaxed. I had not studied for a test for years and years. I now know I can do it. This time, THIS TIME, I will be fine. Is does not matter if I ace the thing, just that I pass. Right? RIGHT??????

I will not neglect my blog because I am more laid back. A new woman. No longer Ms Nervous Breakdown or Smarty Pants trying to beat everyone else. I will be calm, calm, calm.............

Do It Yourself

I love to repair things and redecorate but am frequently lazy. Plus I don't have the knowledge to back up that desire most of the time.

I found a useful link sponsored by Lowes that promises to tell you how to do almost anything from antiqueing furniture to building a deck. It includes product demos and does not take long to load.

Do you need to replace your garbage disposal? Or replace a toilet? Maybe you just want to re-wallpaper but need the basics.

It includes demos for:
Braceing a ceiling fan
Insulating windows
Installing a garage door opener
Installing a ceramic and hardwood floor
Making a child sized table

Now if I only had the time.......

Reprieve

Put down newspapers in the general area my hideous cat has decided, out of the blue, after being litter trained for 6 years, to use as his personal WASTELAND. And knock on wood, keep your fingers crossed, this seems to have cured him. I hope so, I have been wanting to hire a cat hitman.

Eaten by Mozilla

I went to my blog tonight to read comments and I noticed that my picture wasn't showing up. (The main reason, truth be told, that it is not a WHOLE picture? I want to remain somewhat anonymous just in case I ever get brave enough to post something absolutely hideous about work. I don't think I will get that brave though. I have identified myself pretty well) At first I thought flicker had burped or that Blogger had eaten my picture so I went to my other internet provider and pulled up my blog that way. There was the picture. It is just not showing up when I use Mozilla. How sad to be eaten by Mozilla. Why? Why? Why? But enough of that. Who cares really.

I have had a weird, moody day. I am suffering from post test stress. I am grouchy and irritable. I am locking my cat in the bathroom tonight when I go to bed.

Why might you ask would I lock my poor defensless huge horrible cat in the bathroom for him to meow and caterwaul and in general run amuck? Because he is hideous. He is about 6 years old and has decided out of the blue, to use my carpet as his litter box. (awful creation, carpet, you never can really get it clean and it collects crap) Why? Why? is he using the carpet instead of his litter box? I at first thought it could be because his litter box needed changing, so I changed his litter box. Nope, that is not the problem and I have not changed types of litter so it is not that.

The reason? He is always searching for new creative ways to torture me. He has found one that works for now. His meowing in the hall does not work as well now since I keep shoes by the bed to hurl in his direction at the first hint of a meow noise. He KNOWS BETTER than to physically touch me in the middle of the night or WALK ACROSS MY FACE like he used to. So now he is proudly dumping on my living room carpet. I have smeared his nose in it to no avail. He is still doing it.

This morning when I awoke to the now expected sight. I did not rub his nose in it or react in any way. I was very calm and collected. I restrained myself from physically assaulting him.

Tonight, the bathroom awaits him. If he doesnt want to use his litter box the toilet awaits him in all it's grandeur.

Postscript - My picture was not "eaten" by Mozilla. I had changed my Mozilla settings. I realized what had happened and fixed it and wholla, my picture is back.

Test Result

I said I would be away awhile and I was. Now I am back. I am very happy to announced that I PASSED MY TEST! I almost had a mini nervous breakdown studying for the thing, had a cold the whole week, and went to take the test with my head feeling like a balloon.

Passing the test means I get licensed and get a raise at work. I will have to take ANOTHER test in about a month, but it should not be as bad. At least next time I know what to expect. I should not have to be as compulsive. It is good to be back.

Blonde Joke

Nice to see the tables turned

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, "Corned Beef and Cabbage! If I get Corned Beef and Cabbage
one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."


The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw Corned Beef and
Cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too.



The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the Bologna, and jumped to his death as
well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of Corned Beef and Cabbage, I never would have given
it to him again!"


The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him Tacos or
Enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.


The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.

Missing.....

I said I wouldn't be doing personal posts much for the next couple of weeks. I might have lied....I am not sure.
I try not to post melancholy things for the most part. But tonight I am compelled to say that tonight, I miss my dad. He died a couple of years ago.

I was at my married daughter's house tonight and they told a funny story about my dad and the pain came back in a blinding flash. See, I lived in another state and was not around really at all the last few years of his life. My oldest daughter had moved back to go to college so she was there.

We all deal with death and mourning in different ways. The way I dealt with my parents imminent deaths was to be absent. I could not stand the pain. They were both relatively young, both in their 60's. Both terminally ill, my mom with cancer, my dad due to inoperable heart blockage. Inoperable due to the prolonged steroid treatments for rhematoid arthritis that had crippled him.

My dad was a funny man even when he wasn't trying. I miss him and wish I could have hugged him one last time. I wish I could have told him how much he really mean't to me. I wish I had not been so weak.

Daddy I am sorry, I was not more like you
I am sorry I was not strong
I am sorry I did not come around and be with you
I am sorry for the pain I know I caused

I love you and I am proud to be your daughter. I will miss you always.....

New Drugs for Women

This was sent to me by a friend.....I do not know the source.
New Drugs For Women
>
>D A M N I T O L
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8
>full hours.
>`````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
>preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
>`````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
>you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
>till they moved out.
>````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>P E P T O B I M B O
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
>before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence
>and prevents conception.
>```````````````````````````````````````````````````
>D U M B E R O L
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
>the enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
>````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>F L I P I T O R
>~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage
>and the urge to flip off other drivers.
>```````````````````````````````````````````````````
>M E N I C I L L I N
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
>lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get
>naked now?"
>```````````````````````````````````````````````````
>BUYAGRA
>~~~~~~~~~
>Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
>duration and credit limit of spending spree.
>`````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>J A C K A S S P I R I N
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
>phone number, anniversary or to lift the toilet seat.
>`````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
>to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators or check-out
>lanes.
>`````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>N A G A M E N T
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
>irritation level as nagging him.

Speeding........

I will be mostly absent for the next 2 weeks, I am studying for a test to be licensed for my job. Horrendous, horrible test. I have a friend named Sharon who never fails to send me great email. The following post is from an email she sent me. I do not know the source.

State Trooper
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring."I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he stromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

Cats

A friend emailed this, I do not know the source.

Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.

Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... .and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

The Language of Women

A freind emailed me this, I do not know the source.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ISH.......................................49
Adventurous.................Slept with everyone
Athletic................................No breasts
Average looking....................Ugly
Beautiful.....................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure...............On medication
Feminist.......................Fat
Free Spirit..............................Junkie
Friendship first................Former slut

Fun..........................................Annoying
New-Age..........Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing.............Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Professional.............................Bitch
Voluptuous..........................Fat
Large frame...........................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul Mate........................Stalker


DICTIONARY OF WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you
moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex
all you ever think about?



DICTIONARY OF MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex
with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex
with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to
have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to
have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit
= I'm gay