Missing.....

I said I wouldn't be doing personal posts much for the next couple of weeks. I might have lied....I am not sure.
I try not to post melancholy things for the most part. But tonight I am compelled to say that tonight, I miss my dad. He died a couple of years ago.

I was at my married daughter's house tonight and they told a funny story about my dad and the pain came back in a blinding flash. See, I lived in another state and was not around really at all the last few years of his life. My oldest daughter had moved back to go to college so she was there.

We all deal with death and mourning in different ways. The way I dealt with my parents imminent deaths was to be absent. I could not stand the pain. They were both relatively young, both in their 60's. Both terminally ill, my mom with cancer, my dad due to inoperable heart blockage. Inoperable due to the prolonged steroid treatments for rhematoid arthritis that had crippled him.

My dad was a funny man even when he wasn't trying. I miss him and wish I could have hugged him one last time. I wish I could have told him how much he really mean't to me. I wish I had not been so weak.

Daddy I am sorry, I was not more like you
I am sorry I was not strong
I am sorry I did not come around and be with you
I am sorry for the pain I know I caused

I love you and I am proud to be your daughter. I will miss you always.....