Mississippis Blogging

I am still here. I have been away for quite a while. I thought with the hurricane and all I should probably pop back in. I hope to visit more often.

I live in Jackson, so the hurricane did not affect me much. Just incoveniences like no power for a few days. My family a little further "down south" are all fine. A tree on a house and a sister still without power but other than that, they are all safe.

My ex husband lives in Biloxi and HE STAYED during Katrina. He was a little less than a mile from the beach. Fortunately for him and his sister and all the other people that crammed in his house during the storm, the house was on one of the highest parts of the city, North of the railroad tracks that are raised and act as a sort of levee against flooding. The house survived relatively intact. 3 blocks away, 60 people died. His next door neighbor lost his entire family. They were about 3 blocks away. His whole family live on the coast from Long Beach to Wiggins MS. They ALL STAYED and were all safe. His sister, the one that came to his house to ride out the storm? Her apartment complex was in Gulfport and if she had stayed there she would have surely died. It was right on the beach and it is gone. My kids and various family members begged them to come further inland to no avail.

Life is full..... Life is good and it is very fragile. I have missed you all. Ellie

Reading Jag Over????:<

I have been very busy and have been neglecting my blog and feeling sorry for myself. Sigh. Why the endless self pity?

Why??????? Because I have been on a reading jag. Yep, it always does the trick. Nothing like wallowing in true crime and mystery novels to get you in a good mood. I become part of an alternate world that I don't want to leave even when my head is pounding and I know I HAVE TO STOP. The reason I have managed to stop somewhat? I have run out of novels. And fighting the urge to run out and get more. (It is called an addictive personality I think. I could become addicted to dirt if I get in the correct frame of mind.) I am still reading but I am reading self help crap now just to have something to read that is not addicting.

Now I just have to stop rolling in self pity that I have deadlines and that I have responsibilities and that I have to get up in the morning and that I cannot read 24/7 depressing stuff about murder and mayhem and decidedly unpleasant people.

(If I didn't get up and lay in bed I would feel ten times worse since I would eventually have to roll out of the prone position in order to avoid bed sores. THen I would have to face my most hated enemy, housework. I used to pretend in my mind that I was an illegitimate offspring of royalty and that was why I hated domestic duties, not that I am just basically lazy when it comes to housework.) I do wish they made disposable kitchens and self cleaning clothes.

Rectum Stretcher

This was sent to me by a friend.....I do not know the source.
Subject: Rectum Stretcher


While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar
gun on the other side lying in wait.


The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop,
"what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.


The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."



"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

Out Tonight

I am a member of a twelve step group. I have been neglecting these meetings lately. I was really active in the state I moved from, so meetings in my new state have tended to leave me feeling lonely and lost. Not tonight. Tonight I resolved to go not feeling sorry for myself. And it worked.

I need to start getting out and about. I am a member of this group because I NEED TO BE. It is important that I attend. I also have decided to crawl out of my turtle shell and start being more social.

There is life out there.

Fragment

I thought I saw you tonight, just for an instant.

Do you do that too? Spot fragments from the past.

I thought I saw you tonight, but the light betrayed me and the face I saw was a stranger.

I thought I saw you tonight, but it was only a memory from a life once lived.

Reader

I have started reading again. I am an avid reader. So much so that there are times when I have to detox from books. Since my test is over and I feel bored, I hit the library.

The library I have been banned from due to overdue books. It always happens. I will be diligent and take the books back and then due diligence will disapear and I am back again with a huge fine.

Yesterday, out of boredom and desperation, I went back to the library with my check book in hand. The fine? $41. I advised the little guy at the desk that I do not just check books out, I lease them. I don't think he was amused.

When I returned later with about 20 books counting mine, my daughters and some for my little grandson, he had a look of fleeting horror on his face. He advised me gravely that next time my fine would probably only be around $100. I ignored his comment. What he does not realize is that we always check out a million books and they make it back until that one time. That one time when I am too lazy or my book thirst has been so satiated that I conveniently over look the pile of books that are not mine. Sigh.

My neighborhood does not have good garage sales. What I used to do is go to garage sales and buy books for .10 or .25. It saved me money in the long run and I did not have to take them back.

This time.....this time I will not get a fine. I will take my books back and be good so I will not be forced to search for books in obscure places and read whatever my scavenger hunt finds.

I Spy

Is Junior getting a little pudgy? Is little Janie not quite so "little" these days. It could be that these "little ones" are smuggling fattening foods to school or horrors of horrors, taking their lunch money and not buying the nutritious meal you have mandated, but sugar coated and fat soaked foods.

What to do, what to do. You beg, plead, whine and moan to no avail. You advise them of the horrors of high cholesterol and the evils of excess carbohydrates. You feel like you have a handle on the situation, but do you really?

A school in Marietta Ga, has a solution. You can now moniter your child's food purchase in the lunch room online. (not a bad idea)
If you send $20 to school with Frank and it is gone in two days? He claims it was stolen, but now you can view exactly what he bought at school.

I predict kids will give money to their skinny friends or friends who do not have hypovigilant parents so that they can purchase the extra food for them. A blackmarket in lunchroom eatables. An entrepreneur could even charge the other kids to buy stuff.

Then of course, schools will have to employ moniters to watch the kids eat or set up a lunchroom moniter situation with peer moniters in little uniforms set up to watch for offenders. You could try to pay the moniters off......

Through with Test

After two weeks of studying and one week of classes for a licensing exam, I am back.

I passed my test. I did not nervous breakdown quite as bad this time. I actually kind of enjoy the whole study for the test process now. I need to go to school. I like it. I can do it as long as it is not Math related. I am horrible at Math.

I am a little old to take time off from life to go to school. Plus, it would be hard to work and go to school full time. I could apply for grant money but what would I live on in the meanwhile? How would I pay the bills while I was at school?

I would love to go though. It would be great. But I would be horribly grouchy and I would always freak out at exam time.

Tidbits

Class this week and then arghhhhh another test.

This was sent to me by a friend, I do not know the source.

THINGS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW (??)

1. Money isn't made out of paper,
it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was
written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne
will bounce up and down continuously from
the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales
of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary
were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor,
who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to
the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine
are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system;
a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing
up into the shark's stomach from underneath,
causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from
Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named
'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when
all original print had to be set in
individual letters, the 'upper case' letters
were stored in the case
on top of the case that stored the smaller,
'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one
hand and draw with the other at the same time ...
hence, multi-tasking was invented.)

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given
out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the
book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded
Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that
rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors.
Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go
mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a
Captain Kirk mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes,
and four pennies, you have $1.19.
You also have the largest amount of money
in coins without being able to make change
for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying
on your back, you can't sink in quicksand
(and you thought this list was completely
useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived
from an old English law,which stated that
you couldn't beat your wife with anything
wider than your thumb
(sign of a true civilized society .. not.)

28. The first product Motorola started to develop
was a record player for automobiles.
At that time, the most known player on the
market was the Victrola, so they called
themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories!
It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery
than the celery has in it to begin with.
It's the same with apples! (Guess what I'm buying
on my next trip to the grocery store?)

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions
will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record
for being the book most often stolen from
Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans
before they go into space because passing
wind in a space suit damages it

English Language

One of those eternal emails floating around. A friend sent me this, I do not know the source.

WHY ENGLISH IS SUCH A HARD LANGUAGE


Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert before dessert, in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it!
was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) A buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress who was a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) Why doesn't Buick rhyme with quick?

23) They were too close to the door to close it.

Home again

I was out of town for a couple of days. So good to be back home. I realized that I do not relax enough. I do not take the time to have fun and lighten up.

It has been pretty heavy, moving back "home" after being away almost 20 years. It is strange too, because my parents have both passed away. They are not here. I have been coping with their deaths for really the first time. My mother died in 2001, the same month that my divorce became final. I had only been back once after that.

It is time to move on and "live" again. I am trying.

The "Good Old Days"

A friend emailed me this. I do not know the source.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms ...... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good .... and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Runaway Bride Run Amuck?

Remember the Runaway Bride? Since her "recovery from captivity" some interesting facts have come out about her. This was not her first alter avoidance. She didn't show for a previous marriage ceremony as well.
She also has been arrested for shoplifting three times. There has been some speculation by mental health experts that she could be have a borderline personality disorder, which means she would be extremely unstable in her relationships and would often do things to draw attention to herself

Hmmm. You would think her family would have had an insight into her character to not plan a lavish wedding with 600 guests.

Want to know what Jennifer Wilbanks aka The Runaway Bride's home town thinks of her activities?
The Smoking Gun has a link to letters from her home state. They are hilarious.

Cat Update

When we got rid of Brink the cat, he went to one of those organizations of cat lovers that find foster homes for needy cats until they can be adopted. I have an update.
Brink has been adopted. He has a permanent home. The say he is "sweet". Cough...Cough.... They of course think we are horrible because there were a few lingering hair balls....sigh.

I am not surprised. He is an absolutely beautiful cat with etremely long hair and he is the largest cat I have ever seen. This made him unusual.

I am happy for him. His new home, on the other hand, well, they have a few surprises coming.

Oh and P.S. The baby has had a rash for a few months now. We knew it could be cat related but were hoping for the best. His rash has dramatically improved:)

I Don't Know If I'm Happy, I Don't Know If I'm Sad.....

The cat is officially gone. I called and left a message to check up on him. I know he will be happier.

Tonight, when I was cleaning the kitchen, I felt a surge of hope. I felt that for once, I could clean without thinking defeatest thoughts about how it would just get messed up again. (A totally irrational thought since the cat never messed up the kitchen, just deposited hair on everything) I do know I can vacuum the layer of cat hair off the carpet and it will not re-deposit itself within hours.

He was going to a great place. I know he will be better cared for. I still miss his most horrible presense.

It is time to move on. The baby will be crawling soon and I won't have to worry about him crawling in a fur lined jungle.

What then shall we eat?

This was emailed to me by a friend....I do not know the source.

Can't eat Beef, Mad cow

Can't eat chicken . bird flu

Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella

Can't eat pork ... fears that bird flu will infect piggies

Can't eat fish ... heavy metals in the
waters has poisoned their meat

Can't eat fruits and veggies .. insecticides and herbicides
Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M

I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!



Chocolate is a Vegetable
**
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.

Bean = vegetable.
**
Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.
**

Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
**
**To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk,
which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
**

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
**

Remember - - -

"STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"


Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.

Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.

(If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.)

"That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."

Turn the Page

The next 7 days will be a benchmark in the lives of 3 of my children. One will be graduating from college, the other from highschool. My youngest child will be turning 16.

It will also be a new chapter for me and the cat. As of tomorrow, I will be cat-less and the cat will be me-less. I think he will be better off. I am sad. Me and that cat have gone thru alot.

Was it the "treasures" he had been depositing on my carpet the final straw that broke the camels back? Was it the endless nights spent trying to go back to sleep after being awakened by His Hideousness at 3am? No, none of the above.

When the baby was about 2 months old, he was sitting in his swing, innocently swinging away thinking baby thoughts when the cat grabbed his arm (breaking the skin) with his teeth and scratched his face. That is horrible, you might think. Why did you put up with that, you might think. I wanted to give the cat the benefit of the doubt. He was adjusting to the baby and he would be fine. 2 days ago, the cat repeated the exact same behavior. Grabbed the baby's arm in his mouth (leaving teeth marks where he broke the skin) and scratched his face. (leaving scratch marks all down his cheek) The baby is now 5 months old. The cat has had all the time he is going to get.

The cat is history.

I am sad. I feel like a failure as a pet owner. I will miss His Hideousness. I am sure he will miss us. He is going to a good place though. He deserves to be with a cat lover.

I deserve to get a good nights sleep in a hairless environment. (Have I mentioned, due to his long hair that clings to every surface and crevice of the apartment and floats in the air, that I live in a virtual HAIR BALL)

What will I talk about?????

Tearing up the Computer

Have you ever gone thru your computer and just deleted things? I know better. I have torn up a computer in my time. I was so notorious for my computer snafoos, the last new computer my exhusband I bought before the divorce was largely off limits to me. I was forbidden to download anything or delete anything the prevailing wisdom in our household was that it might would be better if I just did not touch the computer much.

I thought I had learned what NOT to do. Tonight I decided to go into my documents file and get rid of some old things just hanging around in there. (I was avoiding studying, I am getting tired of the whole study thing) Apparently some of those odd program looking things in my documents folder were necessary (WHY WERE THEY IN THE DOCUMENTS FOLDER?????) I crashed my computer and almost tore it up. (all in an attempt to not read a stupid boring book) It had to revert to an old saved registry from who knows when that had bits and pieces of old software no longer usable. That almost crashed my computer again.

I thought I had learned. I guess not.

Get a Life

I have now been back in my home state of MS for a little over 9 months. I have adjusted now somewhat and not experiencing as much the culture shock that always occurs with a move from one region to another.

I have not lived close to extended family for any real period of time about 20 years. That means holidays were spent either traveling back home or were somewhat lonely times. My parents and siblings have always been great and sent us huge boxes full of gifts for the kids if we were unable to make it home for Christmas. Other holidays were spent alone or at times with other such orphaned families.

My kids started moving back home without me and that made for even lonelier minor holidays. I am very happy to be with not only extended family but immediate family all in one state.

I don't, however, have much of a personal life. It takes me a while to make female friends. I feel it is better if I do not date so that I can devote more time to my kids. So I am bored. Sigh. I need more of a life. I need to LIVE life more and not be so lazy. There are so many things I want to do that I don't just because I don't want to exert the effort.

Oh well, at least I have the cat. Yes, the cat, who once again needs a bath and to have his hair balls cut off. Aargh. Maybe I can make a really good friend who loves cats so much that they will volunteer to bathe my cat or better yet, invite the cat to live at their house so that they can spend more quality time with him. It would be an extreme sacrifice to let the cat go. But no sacrifice is too great for friendship. Right?

(I really did not mean to talk about the cat but he is laying on the couch snoring depositing hair on the couch since he has so much hair everything he touches including my bed which I KNOW HE SLEEPS ON IN THE DAYTIME SINCE THERE IS USUALLY A FINE LAYER OF CAT HAIR ON THE SHEETS EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS HE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY BED. Sorry.)

Study makes Perfect

I will be getting another license at work. This one will enable me to earn commission on top of my base salary. This is the step I have been waiting for.

That is the good news. The bad news is that I will now be studying for a couple of weeks AGAIN for another test. However, this time WILL BE DIFFERENT. I WILL NOT BECOME OBSESSED WITH GETTING A PERFECT GRADE. I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO MEMORIZE THE ENTIRE MANUAL. I am more relaxed. I had not studied for a test for years and years. I now know I can do it. This time, THIS TIME, I will be fine. Is does not matter if I ace the thing, just that I pass. Right? RIGHT??????

I will not neglect my blog because I am more laid back. A new woman. No longer Ms Nervous Breakdown or Smarty Pants trying to beat everyone else. I will be calm, calm, calm.............

Do It Yourself

I love to repair things and redecorate but am frequently lazy. Plus I don't have the knowledge to back up that desire most of the time.

I found a useful link sponsored by Lowes that promises to tell you how to do almost anything from antiqueing furniture to building a deck. It includes product demos and does not take long to load.

Do you need to replace your garbage disposal? Or replace a toilet? Maybe you just want to re-wallpaper but need the basics.

It includes demos for:
Braceing a ceiling fan
Insulating windows
Installing a garage door opener
Installing a ceramic and hardwood floor
Making a child sized table

Now if I only had the time.......

Reprieve

Put down newspapers in the general area my hideous cat has decided, out of the blue, after being litter trained for 6 years, to use as his personal WASTELAND. And knock on wood, keep your fingers crossed, this seems to have cured him. I hope so, I have been wanting to hire a cat hitman.

Eaten by Mozilla

I went to my blog tonight to read comments and I noticed that my picture wasn't showing up. (The main reason, truth be told, that it is not a WHOLE picture? I want to remain somewhat anonymous just in case I ever get brave enough to post something absolutely hideous about work. I don't think I will get that brave though. I have identified myself pretty well) At first I thought flicker had burped or that Blogger had eaten my picture so I went to my other internet provider and pulled up my blog that way. There was the picture. It is just not showing up when I use Mozilla. How sad to be eaten by Mozilla. Why? Why? Why? But enough of that. Who cares really.

I have had a weird, moody day. I am suffering from post test stress. I am grouchy and irritable. I am locking my cat in the bathroom tonight when I go to bed.

Why might you ask would I lock my poor defensless huge horrible cat in the bathroom for him to meow and caterwaul and in general run amuck? Because he is hideous. He is about 6 years old and has decided out of the blue, to use my carpet as his litter box. (awful creation, carpet, you never can really get it clean and it collects crap) Why? Why? is he using the carpet instead of his litter box? I at first thought it could be because his litter box needed changing, so I changed his litter box. Nope, that is not the problem and I have not changed types of litter so it is not that.

The reason? He is always searching for new creative ways to torture me. He has found one that works for now. His meowing in the hall does not work as well now since I keep shoes by the bed to hurl in his direction at the first hint of a meow noise. He KNOWS BETTER than to physically touch me in the middle of the night or WALK ACROSS MY FACE like he used to. So now he is proudly dumping on my living room carpet. I have smeared his nose in it to no avail. He is still doing it.

This morning when I awoke to the now expected sight. I did not rub his nose in it or react in any way. I was very calm and collected. I restrained myself from physically assaulting him.

Tonight, the bathroom awaits him. If he doesnt want to use his litter box the toilet awaits him in all it's grandeur.

Postscript - My picture was not "eaten" by Mozilla. I had changed my Mozilla settings. I realized what had happened and fixed it and wholla, my picture is back.

Test Result

I said I would be away awhile and I was. Now I am back. I am very happy to announced that I PASSED MY TEST! I almost had a mini nervous breakdown studying for the thing, had a cold the whole week, and went to take the test with my head feeling like a balloon.

Passing the test means I get licensed and get a raise at work. I will have to take ANOTHER test in about a month, but it should not be as bad. At least next time I know what to expect. I should not have to be as compulsive. It is good to be back.

Blonde Joke

Nice to see the tables turned

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, "Corned Beef and Cabbage! If I get Corned Beef and Cabbage
one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."


The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw Corned Beef and
Cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too.



The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the Bologna, and jumped to his death as
well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of Corned Beef and Cabbage, I never would have given
it to him again!"


The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him Tacos or
Enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.


The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.

Missing.....

I said I wouldn't be doing personal posts much for the next couple of weeks. I might have lied....I am not sure.
I try not to post melancholy things for the most part. But tonight I am compelled to say that tonight, I miss my dad. He died a couple of years ago.

I was at my married daughter's house tonight and they told a funny story about my dad and the pain came back in a blinding flash. See, I lived in another state and was not around really at all the last few years of his life. My oldest daughter had moved back to go to college so she was there.

We all deal with death and mourning in different ways. The way I dealt with my parents imminent deaths was to be absent. I could not stand the pain. They were both relatively young, both in their 60's. Both terminally ill, my mom with cancer, my dad due to inoperable heart blockage. Inoperable due to the prolonged steroid treatments for rhematoid arthritis that had crippled him.

My dad was a funny man even when he wasn't trying. I miss him and wish I could have hugged him one last time. I wish I could have told him how much he really mean't to me. I wish I had not been so weak.

Daddy I am sorry, I was not more like you
I am sorry I was not strong
I am sorry I did not come around and be with you
I am sorry for the pain I know I caused

I love you and I am proud to be your daughter. I will miss you always.....

New Drugs for Women

This was sent to me by a friend.....I do not know the source.
New Drugs For Women
>
>D A M N I T O L
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8
>full hours.
>`````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
>preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
>`````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
>you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
>till they moved out.
>````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>P E P T O B I M B O
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
>before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence
>and prevents conception.
>```````````````````````````````````````````````````
>D U M B E R O L
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
>the enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
>````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>F L I P I T O R
>~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage
>and the urge to flip off other drivers.
>```````````````````````````````````````````````````
>M E N I C I L L I N
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
>lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get
>naked now?"
>```````````````````````````````````````````````````
>BUYAGRA
>~~~~~~~~~
>Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
>duration and credit limit of spending spree.
>`````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>J A C K A S S P I R I N
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
>phone number, anniversary or to lift the toilet seat.
>`````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
>to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators or check-out
>lanes.
>`````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>N A G A M E N T
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
>irritation level as nagging him.

Speeding........

I will be mostly absent for the next 2 weeks, I am studying for a test to be licensed for my job. Horrendous, horrible test. I have a friend named Sharon who never fails to send me great email. The following post is from an email she sent me. I do not know the source.

State Trooper
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring."I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he stromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

Cats

A friend emailed this, I do not know the source.

Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.

Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... .and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

The Language of Women

A freind emailed me this, I do not know the source.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ISH.......................................49
Adventurous.................Slept with everyone
Athletic................................No breasts
Average looking....................Ugly
Beautiful.....................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure...............On medication
Feminist.......................Fat
Free Spirit..............................Junkie
Friendship first................Former slut

Fun..........................................Annoying
New-Age..........Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing.............Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Professional.............................Bitch
Voluptuous..........................Fat
Large frame...........................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul Mate........................Stalker


DICTIONARY OF WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you
moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex
all you ever think about?



DICTIONARY OF MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex
with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex
with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to
have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to
have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit
= I'm gay

Scouting in the Woods

My little brother was a boy scout for a short period of time. He only went to a couple of camp outs. My mother boycotted the Boy Scout idea after the last camp out he attended. He came home full of stories of massive wedgie attacks (not minor wedgies but horrendous stretch your underwear up somewhere maybe on your head? I don't remember where and I don't have a point of reference not being male) on younger boys by the older troops and the TROOP LEADERS. (thus in my mind forever after, the boy scout official name has been "Wedgie Boy", I cannot help it. Everytime I hear the word boy scout, wedgie boy instantly pops in my mind.) There were also disturbing tales of rampant nakedness in the woods, both adult and child nakedness.

My mother decided that this particular troop was a little, well, weird. (she was not the best judge of young male behavior, she had trouble with the whole raising a boy thing.) I did agreed with her this time. (why would an adult give a child a wedgie?) (Why run naked thru the woods? This was many years ago and to be honest the thing that bothered me the most about the naked in the woods thing was the poison ivy. WHAT, WHAT ABOUT THE POISON IVY YOU FOOLS AS YOU RUN NAKED THRU THE WOODS GIGGLING, AND DOING GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT ELSE???!!!)

Don't get me wrong, I have no evidence the Boy Scouts are not a healthy club for boys. To the contrary, I think that the majority of Boy Scout troops are probably great places for boys to learn useful things and to hang out with adult males.

Over the years, I have stumbled on a few stories about Boy Scout leaders going awry. The Boy Scouts aren't the only organization beset by accusations of wrong-doing by leaders, any profession or organization that deals with children seems to be fair game for predators.

Nothing like this however:
Longtime Program Director of the Boy Scouts and chairmain of it's Youth Protection Task Force pleaded guilty in court today to a charge of possession and distribution of child pornography.


Makes me feel downright queasy when I think that he could have been giggling naked in the woods and giving poor younger boy scouts wedgies.

Easter Sunrise

dogwood,
originally uploaded by E_llie.

"He is not here: for he is risen, as he said."

Matt 28:6

Happy Easter!

Finger Food

I wish, I wish, I wish I had more hours in my day to blog. So many great stories out there, so little time.

Woman gets more than a mouthful when she took a bite of her chili in a San Jose Wendy's earlier this week. She was eating her chili when she bit into something unusual. She promptly spit out the offending food and discovered to her horror, she had bitten into a human finger complete with fingernail.

All employees on the scene had their digits intact.
Officials believe it is a woman's finger that had a well manicured nail. Their have been no incident reports of accidents involving anything of this nature at the Wendy's food processing plant.

The coroner is attempting to find a fingerprint match.

Eureka Moment in the Middle of the Night

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night and realized you did something extremely stupid? I did tonight. (today, it is 2:30am my time) My stupid cat woke me up like he always does, and I was restlessly trying to go back to sleep rehashing things at work, etc. I had a what if thought. Then in horror, I went rushing to my purse to see if my what if was a reality. It was.

I have 2 checking accounts where I currently live. My primary bank is the one I write checks from. The other bank, I no longer use but have a residual amt of money in it and I keep it open just in case I decide to switch back.

I ran out of checks. I went to my drawer where my checks live. In my mind I was looking for the checking account that was my primary. I saw my secondary acct check books, and rejected them immediatly and grabbed the others. The other check book I grabbed? From my old bank in AZ. I no longer have a checking acct with them. It is closed. Arghhhhhh.

I did not realize my mistake until just now. I made a frantic call to the utility that I had sent the wrong pmt to. They could not help me and advised I not pay till the check comes back. I made a frantic call to my old bank. They were fairly soothing, but it did not help my feelings.

Don't people get arrested for using checks from a checking acct that has been closed? I understand I am being hysterical and this probably does not happen, but I thought such action was overtly illegal. Aren't there people who stand around and wait for such actions with finger over the prosecute button?

Sometimes that cat does me favors. If he had not awakened me, who knows how long it would have taken me to realize my error. I might even have (horrors) written multiple checks from this acct. He still makes me crazy though....

Stormy Weather

It is supposed to storm here after midnight. I could be severe. I hate bad weather. One of the things I liked about living in Arizona was that you really did not have to worry about bad weather. Sure it rained from time to time, and we had really spectacular dirt storms, but it was nothing to really worry about. (unless you had a really bad dirt storm that obscured vision while driving, a rare event in Phoenix)

I lived in TX for about 8 years, most of the time in Dallas. For a year of that time we were in a tiny town north of Dallas. While there, a tornado came thru and killed 4 people right down the road over the railroad tracks from our house. The sky turned a pale pea green and it was raining so hard you could not see anything. The only clue that anything was amiss at my house was the state of the sky and a fantastic boom of thunder. That was it.

While in living in North Carolina, in a town outside of Raleigh, a tornado hit while I was driving home from work. They issued a severe thunderstorm warning when I was almost home. I could see the weather was ugly but opted for trying to make it to the house. I ended up having to pull over to the side of the road as small tree limbs blew past my car. Once I got home, I learned they had issued a tornado warning and a big rig was flipped on the highway not too far away.

While I was living away from Mississippi, my home town was hit by 2 tornados that killed 6 people. It was out in the country and the storms left a huge path.

I could go on. When we moved from TX we lived back in MS for a year before moving to NC. During that time, a huge tornado struck about 15 minutes from us and killed 4 or 5 people.

I hate bad weather. My mother would stand in the open doorway during extremely bad weather and say Shhhhhh! What's that sound?
I don't blame her for my phobia. It has lessened in time. When I was a young adult I would have debilitating panic attacks at times of bad weather. (Once in a El Nino year or the other one that comes after that, Las something, we had 14 tornado warnings in our county, none of which touched down) As I had my children, I realized I could not scare them to death. And my mother was only listening to see if we needed to get in a closet or something. My children have been in closets too and I have been known to look outside when severe weather hits.....I do try really hard not to say Shhhhh!!! whats that sound.

Professional thong swipers

Officers in Fairfield, Conn. are probably like policemen everywhere, prepared for almost anything, especially danger during routine traffic stops.

I doubt they were prepared for the 220 pairs of thong underwear they found in Monica Barbosa and Anparo Cruz's car after their car ran a redlight. It is true that there were other articles of clothing found in the car, but I the thongs got the most attention. I wonder, male and female apprehended, were there female and (that most hideous creation) male thongs? (I also think female thongs are atrocious in that they are extremely uncomfortable and could have only been created by a male person who wanted to see females in them)

The items came from stores like Victoria's Secret, Banana Republic and The Gap.

According to police, the couple had a device that let them leave the store without setting off shoplifting alarms.

The Art of Catastrophizing

I am prone to anxiety attacks. My anxious state is an inherited one. (or is it learned?) My mother would catatrophise and sometimes share her thoughts with me. I try to remember her hysteria when I am having my own hysterical moments. Unfortunately, knowing you are being irrational does not always change the irrational thinking process. It helps to take deep breaths and to make a phone call.

My little brother was about 10 years old. He was a normal little boy, but my mother, who only had experience raising girls, would constantly say "Well, what is wrong with _____"? She would make this comment when he broke Coke bottles in the back yard or tore up his toys. Pretty standard boy stuff.

She confiding in me one day when I was a young adult, told me one of her catastrophe scenarios. She had decided that my little brother, 10 at the time, was never going to be very tall. He was in fact going to be quite undersized as an adult, much like a professional horse racing jockey. She had also decided he was going to be an alcoholic. (alcoholism runs in my family) She further shared that she feared he was not going to be your average semi-functional alcoholic, he was going to be a homeless wino in a ditch somewhere with a bottle in a paper bag. She also had decided he was going to be a homosexual. Sigh.

In her mind, my little brother was going to be a gay, tiny, shrunken, ditch wino.

Today my little brother is over 6 feet tall, is a supervisor at his place of employment where he works about 60 hours a week, and has been married with child for years. If he has a drinking problem, it has not diminished him in size, affected his work habits yet, or changed his sexual orientation.

I did not know what to say when she shared this tidbit with me. Fortunately, I did not laugh. I looked at her as if these statements were a bit odd (they were) and mumbled a few comforting words. If she shared this with me today, I think I would say, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out......

Does She or Doesn't She

I am indebted to my mother in so many ways. She was a wonderful person and I owe my sense of right and wrong and "class" to her and my Grandmothers.

She could be a bit hysterical in her mothering philosophy. When I was very small, I remember fervently believing if you said "damn" or "hell" (the extent of my cussing vocabulary) 10 times, you would be struck by lightning sent from above. You have to understand, my mother never TOLD me this, it was something I gleaned from her demeanor and my sunday school education (which never said that either, I was just a hysterical child).

My mother thought coffee drinkers were evil, (This made no sense, my mother created laws that made no sense. A large part of my awareness of the evilness of everything was from listening to her gossip with my grandmothers both who drank coffee), cigarette smoking women were loose and so were certain health care professionals, namely nurses. I do not know where the evil nurse thing came from except she and my grandmother seemed to feel that since nurses worked grave yard shifts, drank coffee and sometimes were spotted smoking, they were evil. See, if you work graveyard shifts around MEN, namely doctors, you were bound to consort with them after smoking all those cigarettes and drinking demon coffee.

Another sure sign of looseness in my mother's eyes was hair dye and certain styles of makeup. (Remember the old commercials for hair dye,"Does she or doesn't she. ) I have no idea why. This was not a conviction borne out of her religious beliefs. The denomination we were apart of did not condemn hair dye, makeup, coffee or even smoking really since back then the majority of the adult population smoked. Sigh.

I decided at a very young age (bitter middle child) that I was NOT GOING TO BE LIKE MY MOTHER. I have therefore made many mistakes trying to not be like my mother. I felt she was too dependant on my father and should have divorced him which made me more open to the divorce solution when the rocks started jutting more painfully in my 19 year marriage.

When I was younger I was a make-up fanatic who would not leave home to even go to the grocery without the proper made up attire. And as a teenager my makeup reached hysterical proportions, a pre-goth look entirely my own. I am a little looser about the whole makeup thing and have been spotted (gasp) out and about completely makeup free at times.

My hair started turning gray when I was 28, just a strand here or there. I immediately decided to remedy the situation. I have had many hair disasters and colors. It has been a ghastly maroon and a hideous pale blond that made my head look like a light bulb. My hair is naturally a light brown. It currently is a dark reddish blond. It is supposed to be dark blond but if I use an ash color it turnes a greenish hue. (nothing worse than showing up at work with a new heinous shade of green on your head) If I go too light it washes out my complexion. I have, at times in the past, paid big bucks to have it colored. I am currently braving it myself though I can see the days of professional coloring on the horizon again to try to get it right.

As my mother aged, sanity crept in and she was no longer so hystrionic in her parenting approaches. My 9 and 11 year younger sister and brother had a much different type of parenting style and have no clue about how my mom was "back then". She was an excellent example and my mentor when I had my first child.

I have in the past and am trying now to be a little more like her, now that the waves of destruction from my divorce have calmed considerably. I do want to emulate her stability and strength of character. That does not mean I plan to give up coffee or stop dyeing my hair. I don't plan to reconcile with my unstable ex-husband or stop wearing makeup. I do want to be there for my children and be a source of stability for the family.

I want to like my mother (only the good parts).

Mommy Dearest

Mommy Dearest,
originally uploaded by E_llie.

Police in Instanbul Turkey have arrested a man posing as his dead mother to collect her retirement check.

He showed up at a bank, dressed in womans clothes complete with proper support hose. The officials became suspicious of their account holders deep voice. A manager secretly photographed him and called police.

Serafettin Gencel, told police that his 68 year old mother had been dead 2 years. He had buried her body in the basement at her death to be able to collect her checks.

Police are exhuming the body to see if foul play was involved. The man is being held on various charges.

Cruising the Friendlys

My oldest sister flew to Seattle yesterday, just in time for the latest Mt St. Helens eruption. I hope the volcanic activity did not increase turbulence. I have 2 sisters that are a little sensitive to airplane travel, though I must say she is the bravest by far.

I tend to be a basket case when flying and eat Ativan like candy before and during the flight. (I take one about 30 minutes before the flight, another when taking off and then another whenever the fancy hits. Not very safe) My other sister, (the younger of us three) has to be wheeled off the plane she medicates so well. I actually, (don't laugh) chose bus travel once over flight, I was so afraid. The difference in fares for coach air travel at the time, a whopping $20.

If you have ever ridden a bus for any distance at all, you know how horrible it is. I stinks, is uncomfortable and is generally unpleasant. Feeling a bit deranged, I almost got into an argument with some of my fellow bus mates. Not safe. When I finally staggered off the bus, I felt so grubby and was so demoralized by the whole experience, I almost did not recover. (did I mention my sisters and I also tend to be a bit dramatic)

I hope she is ok. Someone would have called if she wasn't. If she had a mental breakdown brought on by rough flying conditions that rendered her helpless and drooling. What if she was so traumatized by the whole experience, she chooses to take a bus back rather than fly? It would never happen. She would probably walk back before choosing a bus. It would make for a great story.....

Bad Monkey

When I was a child, I asked my mother for a monkey. I wanted one as a pet. We already had pets and there didn't really seem to be a limit on them. I thought a monkey was a wonderful choice. They were so cute on tv in their little diapers and they would swing around eating bananas and kissing their owners. I thought it would be like having a baby sister or brother. My mother quickly discouraged me. She said they were nasty and had diseases and didn't make good pets. She also said they were dangerous.

Me, being the sensisitive type and the middle child, collected this disapointment and put it in my bag of "I've been wrongeds". (did not my sister GET A PARROT when she had her tonsils out, I asked myself) I later realized, she was of course right, and it would be absolutely hideous to have a psuedo-human bouncing around in your house. Is it animal or human......animal or human.....human or animal.

She was also right about the dangerous part according to this article :

Monkey attacks man and chews of part of face and genitals.

Green Day

I started my new job today. The drive was relativley uneventfull though kind of long. It would have been shorter if I had not GONE THE WRONG WAY. Thankfully discovered my error before too many miles had passed and I arrived on time, 15 minutes early as instructed by my new boss. I pulled into a deserted parking lot right before reaching my destination to smoke really quickly, in an upwind position so that I would not smell like smoke.

I then proceeded to walk in the office feeling like I was going to puke and pass out. I had taken a pain pill and it did not agree with my quick smoke. I had fleeting visions of me as I approached the entrance running to the bathroom to spit. Thankfully, the need to spit sensation faded before I made it in. Wonderful start. I did explain to them that I had been to the dentist and was taking medication. I think they understood...

Oh and a cat update. He is no longer peeing on everything and is feeling better. I am contrite and feel bad about yelling at him when he was sick. My contritness tends to dissipate when he wakes me up in the middle of the night as always with the infernal pointless meowing designed to send me over the edge and I go running hissing and throwing things..............

"Gypsy Dentists"

When I lived in Arizona, a few months before I moved, I went to the dentist with a tooth-ache. Dentists seemed to have changed recently. Where they used to just patch me up, now I feel like I am at a used car lot whenever I go to a new one. They want to "give me an estimate" on all the dental work I can have done. When they want to "give you an estimate" it means you have DENTAL INSURANCE. It also seems to mean, they get dollar signs in their eys.

It had been a few years since I had been to the dentist and when they did the xrays, It was discovered that I had two teeth that needed root canals. The tooth that was bothering me was to go first. After the obligatory 2 weeks of anti-biotics, they referred me to an endodontist. They stated that they could not do this root canal at their office.

After getting that root canal, a few weeks later, I called their office about getting the my xrays for the other tooth, so that I could go back to the endodontist for my other root canal. They wanted my fax number to send me my "estimate" for all the dental work they wanted to perform. I politely informed the girl on the phone that I would be moving in the near future and would not need their services. She sounded disapointed. She then informed me that her office could perform the second root canal that I needed done. Surprised, I stated something to the effect that the office had told me you couldn't do the first, she said they could do this one. I didn't really think to question her, I thought maybe this was a less difficult tooth.

I have not blogged for a number of days because I have had a horrible tooth ache. The aching tooth? The second tooth that my dentist "performed the root canal on". Today, I drug myself to the dentist and begged them to give me a shot. I told the dentist that I did not feel there was any hope for this tooth due to a recent root canal. They did the xrays and low and behold, it has not had a root canal. No root canal, what does that mean? Does it mean that the AZ dentist office lied? I had already decided that even if I wasn't moving I would not have used them again. They tried to charge me more than my insurance allowed and they just seemed to be a little too excited about the possibility of my "estimate" of future services.
Did I mention they were FOREIGN. (Please don't be offended if you are reading this from another country, I am not talking about you if you don't lie. And I know the absolute fury one can feel from being stereotyped. I am from the South. And if you are of Gypsy descent, I apologise. I worked with a hilarious student once who happened to be a Gypsy. He seemed to be very honest.) I have noted in my limited experience with these sorts of things, that some people from other cultures seem to "lie" about things. They don't seem to consider it lying or wrong. Or maybe they do, I don't know. I feel ill. I have to go to bed. I wish sometimes I had dentures.

Lysol Lessons

I had a friend who woke up once to find his clean freak mother - about to spray his feet with Lysol. This story is a little like that except there is a teacher involved.

Speaking of teachers, I wonder if it is not too late to sue Mrs. Richardson. (If you are out there, Mrs Richardson, you were a lousy teacher) The evil teacher that spanked me because I showed up to math class in the 4th grade not having memorized the previous nights multiplication tables. And there was that other horrendous Mrs Wood teacher (4th grade was a bad year) that would spank every child in the classroom, by whacking us on the back with her rather large paddle, as we filed out her door because?????? It could not have been because any one misbehaved. Every one was terrified of her. She spanked for such infractions as having your legs in the aisle. She would note the offenders from her desk and then go down the row whacking legs.

I feel harrassed, and humiliated. I think I suffered permanent emotional disfigurement and an acute fear of anything mathematical. Maybe.......

Anyway, I digress, Teacher makes kid spray lysol on himself

Presidents Day: Presidential Trivia

Did you know that 2 of our Presidents owned beer breweries? Or that one President was arrested while in office for running over a woman with a horse? For the answers to these and many other presidential trivia questions, click here.

Anybody Want a Cat?

My mother loved animals. She was not allowed to have pets as a child and had suffered some unamed pet tragedy. There was a sense of comedy in her love because, she was not above chasing a dog or cat thru the room with a broom shrieking because of some offense committed.

When I was small and before we moved to town, there was a dirt road a few miles from our house. Down this road lived a lady who cleaned house for us from time to time. On the way to pick her up, sometimes my mother would spot animals that people had dumped on this road. One time we were with her and she pulled off the side of the road, opened the trunk of our car. She started sobbing and began to round up puppies somebody had dumped.

As a child over the years, we had a diverse assortment of pets. Once we had a pet aligator (he was a baby, thankfully he choked to death on some hamburger meat. I say thankfully, not to be cruel, but what would we have done with a full grown alligator? We had birds, both caged and the wild kind rescued from a cat until it could fly on it's own. We had rabbits, hamsters, turtles, mice, and the usual cats and dogs. (including an old toothless chihuahu that would chase us through the house as we shrieked with glee, trying to gum us. When he died, she wrapped him in my little sisters old baby blanket and buried him as she cried.)

Maybe because of my mother's obsession with animals, or maybe because I am more like my mother's mother, I do not want pets.

I unfortunately at the present time am a "proud owner" of a 30 + pound cat who apparently has a urinary tract infection at the present moment. I could be a UTI or maybe it is stark raving anger at me because I stuck him on the porch last night when he would not stop meowing in the hall. Since them he has peed on the leather couch about 5 times (in one day). The leather couch he is full aware is "off limits".

Where I do not share my mothers fondness for pets, I do have the same running and shrieking through the house with a broom after a peeing feline. I am having serious visions of cat murder. I have visulized hurling him off the balcony of our apartment complex, I have imagined my self sticking in the garbage dumpster and turning the compactor on. I have fantasized about sticking him in a bag with a few good heavy rocks, and placing him in the drainage ditch that is full right now from the recent rains.

So tonight, what do I do? In the spirit of my mother, I went out and purchased a new scratch toy, (the old one thrown away because he had peed on it) and urinary formula cat food (in case there is a problem, and hairball relief treats. I also bathed him, and cut away his hair balls. (he has extremely long thick hair that mats very easily)

My reward? A few minutes ago, at my feet, he promptly puked up a fine assortment of hairballs.

Want to read more about my cat and the struggles we have been thru? Read one of my very first blog posts "The Cat With Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome".

Pass this on to 10 people within 5 minutes and you will be never die, and your children will be beautiful and it will prove you love God .............

I hate chain mail. I appreciate the people who send it to me and know they are well intending. The letters usually start out with some positive, uplifting message. I appreciate that part. What I hate is the invariable end. Send this message within 30 minutes to be blessed or if you care, or love God enough or have faith, send this message to 10 friends.

I got one today and it started out stating "At the end of this story, it gives you two options. I think you will figure out what option I chose."

A nice touching story followed, I will not repeat it because it would be further encouraging the people who START these messages. It ended with:

"You now have 1 of 2 choices. You can either pass this on and
let other people catch the chills like you did, or you can delete
this and act like it didn't touch your heart like it did mine.
IT'S YOUR CALL! "I can do all things in Him who strengthens me."
(Phil.4:13)"

What I hate about these sorts of messages the most is that they insinuate that you don't love God enough if you don't pass them on forever or that you are not a good person if you don't. Plus the obssessive compulsive in me WANTS to pass them on.

What if??? What if I don't pass it on and have 7 years of bad luck? (as in the superstition, if you break a mirror) Sigh.

I always wonder what sort of person would START a chain letter? They are very controlling. They seem to get some sort of weird kick or ego stroking by the thought that people are endlessly forwarding their email. Sometimes I wonder if they are not deranged. Why? Why? Why????????

You'll know your living in 2005 when.......

My friend Sharon in Arizona sent me this in an email. I do not know the source.

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Happy 2005!

Fried Green Tomatoes and Steel Magnolias

Two of my favorite movies of all time are about strong women in the South. The movies? "Fried Green Tomatoes", and "Steel Magnolias", both released in the late 80's. Comedic dramas about women overcoming adversity, survival, and being a strong person.

A Steel Tomato I am not. I resemble a wilted daisey and had never even tried fried green tomatoes until after I saw the movie. I am not very good at being a Southern woman and do not pick up well on the subtle unspoken social inuendo's. I think that is why I was a little relieved when I moved away from the South. I did not feel like such a failure.

I am back now and struggling again with being "a steel magnolia". Sigh. I am afraid time has not enhanced my Southern skills. But being back in the South has it's wonderful points. The best part is I am once again with my family and my children now have us all in the same region.

I shall accentuate the positives. Since I have been back.....

1. I have lost 15 pounds and am once again my normal weight. (the move was very traumatic, I already needed to lose 7 pounds and I gained more weight right before the move. I kept saying to myself, moving does not make you fat....moving does not make you fat)

2. I have finally landed a decent job (today as a matter-of-fact after 8 loooooong months of temping) which promises to be the best job I have ever had, even better than the one I had in Arizona.

3. I have finally (knock on wood) made a serious decision to quit smoking. I will keep you posted.

4. I am in the same general area as my family, extended and otherwise. I live in the same town as both my grandchildren.

5. I feel better about myself because as weak as my bravery skills are(Daiseys Getting Wilted!!!!), I had the courage to move back and start over. I took a chance and did not choose the easy path.

6. I no longer have to sit around and sing tragically to myself, songs about the South.

7. I am a Cowgirl.....again.

Mold Madness

I have a dear friend who has a relative who has suffered from mold madness. I am not making light of his condition. My mother who was extremely intelligent would go on and on about the evils of mold. My friends relative got more than just a runny nose from this evil growth, he became moldersized.

He has very calmly announced on more than one occasion, that his drinking problem, inability to work and downright odd behaviors in the past have one cause. Mold. He has been moldersized, he states quite firmly. He states this firmly in an attempt to get her to totally de-mold her house so that he can move in. She very firmly runs in the opposite direction.

A new study out there on mold and the effects there-of states that many of the problems blamed on mold are really unrelated to mold sensitivity. Many of the people studied were in fact allergic to their surroundings and did better once removed from them, they did not however, test positive for Stachybotrys, the black mold responisible for toxic mold syndrome. The study suggests that unhealthy dampness not mold may be the culprit for the symptoms ranging from respiratory ailments to achy joints. (notice how they didn't mention deranged behavior)

My question is this, does Stachybotrys cause deranged behavior, an inability to function in a healthy manner and alcoholism? I think this is an important point to establish since mold lawsuits are beginning to pop up everywhere. Soon there will be stories out there like this, Woman states mold caused her to assault her husband. She was molderized. It wasn't HER FAULT she attacked. Maybe mold causes PMS too......

Flowers for Valentines Day?

Ever wondered what meanings are associated with certain flowers? This could be helpful if you are giving or hoping to get flowers for Valentines Day.

Red Roses - Love and desire
Pink Roses - Happiness
White Roses - Charm and innocence
Red and White Roses combined - Unity
Hyacinth - Joy
Geranium -Preference
White Chrysanthemum - Truth
Red Chrysanthemum - I love you
Violet - Faithfulness

Attack Fifi Attack!

Deputy Scott Howden tried to stop Girlamo Marinello after he ran a stop sign. Marinello awarded the deputy by ramming his vehilce into the police car. He then got out and started swinging his 4 pound poodle "Baby" at the deputy. (around and around or side ways or towards him? What? I need a video)

Was he ordering the poodle to attack the deputy (sick him Fifi)? Was he using the poodle as a weapon or projectile? We may never know.

He was found mentally incompetent to stand trial. And FiFi, I mean Baby, she is fine and has been adopted.

Juice Abuse?

My mother was one of the most intelligent people I have ever known. She KNEW things. She did not watch a lot of tv. She did read a lot of books. She told me this about juice and babies.......
They are 100 percent sugar," Dr. David Ludwig, an expert on pediatric obesity at Children's Hospital Boston, said recently. "Juice is only minimally better than soda." advertisement

Whooshing From the Bench

Excuse me, your Honor, but your robes are whooshing.

OKLAHOMA CITY - Jurors and others in Judge Donald Thompson's courtroom kept hearing a strange whooshing noise, like a bicycle pump or maybe a blood pressure cuff. During one trial, Thompson seemed so distracted that some jurors thought he was playing a hand-held video game or tying fly-fishing lures behind the bench.

The explanation, investigators say, is even stranger than some imagined: The judge had a habit of masturbating with a penis pump under his robe during trials.

On Being Female

My friend Sharon in Arizona forwarded this to me in an email. I do not know the source.

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears.

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems..

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Glade Plug-in Fire

Do you remember hearing Glade plugins could cause fires? How about the man that freed himself from an avalanche by peeing himself out. (sadly, I used that story) Did you see the Tsunamie pictures where crowds appeared to be watching the wave come in with cameras in hand, not running until the last minute? How about that email that claimed Starbucks was refusing to send free coffee to GIs in Iraq? And the ever circulating email about missing child Briana Hennigan, is she still missing?

Snopes.com is a great website that contains facts about these stories, all were erroneous in some way. Briana Hennigan was recovered long ago. The man that peed to melt snow? Though it was a story run by national press, there is no record of the incident or of an avalanche during this time period.

Top 10 Signs Your Boss is Spying on You

I will not, WILL NOT blog about work. I have a friend who sends me emails about co-workers that are hilarious. She shall of course, remain forever nameless. There was the fragmented, disjointed one about how she exchanged her camera phone for a regular one because she was spotted by another co-worker taking a picture of a male co-worker's butt. (I think she was trying to hide the evidence?)
She tells me about the "wars" between the fellow workers. All great and mostly to protect her, un-useable. Sigh.... I can give you, however, this great top ten from David Letterman.

Top 10 Signs Your Boss is Spying on You
1. Wherever you go you're followed by a potted plant in loafers.
2. The bracelet he gave you for Christmas beeps if you leave your cubicle.
3. Office coffee has hint of hazelnut and sodium pentothal.
4. Your name: "Sam." Next to your parking spot: "Reserved for the guy following Sam."
5. Find yourself getting tasered more than with previous bosses.
6. Your new secretary looks a lot like that chick from "Alias."
7. Instead of photos of wife and kids on his desk, he has a photo of you sleeping.
8. When you're alone in the men's room, a voice tells you to quit blocking the lens.
9. Boss critical of typos in your personal e-mails.
10.The fax machine just coughed.

Hi Elaine.

Jacksonvile, FL

Tuesday afternoon, a message was left on Elaine Brown, President of the City Council's, voicemail. The message started out normally enough with "Hi, Elaine. The caller then went on to tell "Elaine" what he would do it the Superbowl was held in Jacksonville. He told her he was a scientist obsessed with the Big Bang theory and with the size it needs to be. He stated that 100,000 people dying would get their attention. He also said Jacksonville did not deserve the Super Bowl and he wanted the mayor, city council and members of law enforcement to resign. He said police had tried to kill him several times (Were you running naked thru the streets with a butcher knife Buddy?) He then left his cell phone number and name. The number was traced, the name his own. He was subsequentially arrested.

PMS Contagious?

Medical News Today recently surveyed men and women about PMS.

6% felt that PMS was contagious. Contagious? I wonder. I bet the 6% were all male. Did some of the men surveyed feel PMS was contagious because they were breaking out in their own rage attacks over perceived slights at "that time of the month". Or perhaps a household of females were all PMSing at the same time, leading the poor unfortunate males to believe they were "catching" it from each other?

Another interesting result, 42% said they felt men can experience their own form of PMS, a belief I have held for years. You can clock the instability and mood swings in a monthly rotation.

How do men and women know when a woman is suffering from PMS:
--40 percent said they emit a negative force.
--31 percent said they are irrational and unstable.
--19 percent said they are less creative and unable to make a rational decision.

--Almost 20 percent of men said women with PMS are sexually and physically unattractive during this period.
--42 percent claim men can experience their own version of PMS.
--33 percent believe there is no cure for PMS.
--21 percent believe PMS is inherited.
--12 percent said PMS is not real, and it's all in a woman's head.
--6 percent believe PMS is contagious

Top 10 List of Worst Valentines Day Gifts

A (most probably flawed survey) was taken by a jewelry company. I feel the survey was more than likely flawed because it was taken by a jewelry company and most of the traditional Valentines Day gifts scored low. (Jewelry was not mentioned)

Clothing, candy and lingerie topped the worst type of gift to give at 20%. Cards ranked 9% on worst gift list. Household items actually did better than cards, clothing and lingerie at 8%. Flowers and plants scored 5%.

The survey takers also compiled a list of the least favorite gifts the surveyed had received.

10. Vacuum - I personally would not mind this as a gift if I knew the gifter would be the main vacuumer.
9. Paper Shredder - This gift cannot be redeemed unless it is a very expensive paper shredder. A quiet one that will do lots of sheets at once. Not the cheap horrible ones.
8. Electric Frying Pan - Again, if the gift giver was going to be cooking with the pan, I would not have a problem.
7. Crock-pot - See above comment
6. Rug shampooer - Only if the above comments applied and it were a VERY expensive shampooer. Not a steam cleaner.
5. Pencil sharpener - What????
4. Ice scraper - Why would you give someone an ice scraper? I bought mine for a dollar at a dollar store.
3. Can of soup - Speechless
2. Wisconsin cheese - Break-up
1. Cold pizza See above

"Drama is life with the dull bits cut out". Alfred Hitchcock

I've been accused of being dramatic and have always denied it vehemently. "Having a crisis does not a drama queen one make", I have exclaimed huffily. I have been thinking of how I have a tendency to draaaaaaaawwwww out calamity. And cling to the anxious feeling almost lovingly. I have had a few crisis's these past few weeks. The sickness drama has been one crisis, there have been others.

My family has been having colds and stomach viruses for about 2 months now. Both my grandchildren have had colds. I decided to teach my 18 month old grand-daughter the proper way to act when sick. I demonstrated for her by reclining on the couch, with arm upraised and flopped backwards limp wristed over my head. I made moaning noises to complete the picture. When I left her house she was lying in the appropriate stance on the couch, arm flung backwards over her head amidst pillows, with sippy cup and blanket in tow. I was quite proud.
I later called my daughter, trying to be helpful and suggested that my grand-daughters cheeks were pink because she was allergic to her medication. They mentioned later talking to the Dr so I know they probably made a frantic phone call. (I did not mean to incite panic)

My other daughter has 2 month old. He has also had a cold and may already have the drama thing down pat. He is better now but one day he was laying on my daughter moaning. Little baby moans. Scary. Then when he developed a cough with the cold and started wheezing the next day. My daughter called me in a panic. I could hear him in the background making what I swear sounded like asthmatic wheezes.

Both daughters rushed to the Drs office sure they would be re-directed to the ER. When they were shown to a room and he was laid upon the examining table. He began to happily kick his legs and coo. No wheezes to be found. So happy was he, the Dr suggested he didn't even need his cold medicine.

Medicine free, he developed laryngitis the next night. Not croup mind you like most babies, laryngitis. Sounded just like an adult squeeking because he can't talk. This new development resulted in one of an already many by this time, frantic calls to the on-call Dr.

We have a new vaporizer and new cough medicine and things are fine now. Oh, but with the colds going away, my daughter is scheduled for outpatient surgery in a few days.......

Castration 101

A guy I went to high school with castrated himself about a year after I graduated. He was doing drugs. The word on the street was he thought his item of castration was a snake.

RENO MAN CASTRATES HIMSELF
A Reno man called 911 Monday. Seems he was profusely bleeding from his lower quarters. See he wanted to lower his libido. Apparently he had some sort of sexual addiction? So he typed castration and did an internet search with this handy and usually useful little search tool. He found what he was looking for.

He castrated himself. No word on why other than the libido thing. He did have the where-withal to call 911 when he could not control the bleeding.

It was a successful castration. “The man obviously needs some sort of counseling,” Reno police Lt. Ron Donnelly said.

Another Blogger Fired

Depending on the blog style, we bloggers tend to mention our personal lives. It is unavoidable. I try to use caution. I try hard not to post something that would hurt or offend a family member, some of my best material never makes it. I would rather my writing suffer than hurt my family.

And work well...no one I work with knows my blog address or that I even have a blog. I rarely mention work. Neither did this British employee of Waterstones. He occasionally poked fun at his "sandal wearing boss" and vented on his weblog. He did mention the name of the company he worked for but not the location. He was unceremoniously fired. He offered to cease and desist from all workplace blogging to no avail.

He joins a host of others fired for blogging about work. Among them: Ellen Simonetti, and employee of Delta Airlines, Jessica Cutler, a secretary for a U.S. Senator and others. Boing, Boing has a list of employers that have either fired or disciplined employess for blogging about work.

"Haunted House"

Cowgirls Do The News: "Haunted House'
The definition of a poltergeist is 'noisy ghost'.

An Austrian man was hearing strange noises late at night. He would hear slamming doors, echoing footsteps in an empty hallway. He decided his house was haunted. Not knowing what else to do, he called the police.

The police captured on video, a 42 year old woman, making ghostly noises throughout his house. She was very much alive and the wife of one of his employees. She was jailed for 4 months on nuisance charges."

Naked Wisdom

Orem Utah
A Utah woman showed up at the post office to check her mail, wearing nothing but her boots and sunglasses. As the patrons mouths dropped open in shock, the naked woman told them they needed to repent.

The police pulled the 49 year old woman over as she was driving away. She told them they were in need of repentance as well. She was taken to the hospital for a mental evaluation.

Oops! Kid's do the darndest things?

Prince Harry wears Nazi costume to party.

My mother used to say, if you live long enough your kids will humble you. British royalty are no exception.

I think maybe Harry is rebelling a little. It would be difficult to be a Prince. And the British are so stuffy.

He was dressed as a Hitler Youth, complete with a swastika on the armband and collar. He was also photographed sporting a drink and a cigarette to complete the outfit.

He is scheduled to begin a prestigious military academy later this year. Some are saying he should not now be allowed to attend. A regular candidate would not be accepted under the same circumstances.

Fear Factor?

My fear? That I might be forced to watch an "eating" segment of this show.

Is it just me? Am I the only one in the free world, other than the poor guy who suffered "grievous injury" when he ran into a wall in a vain attempt to make it to the toilet to puke, that is happy fear factor is being sued for it's rat blender episode?

Dumpster Divers

Scientific studies have shown: Garbage dumpsters have germs in them.

Note to my neighbors: I know your kids are probably bored. I know that in an apartment complex there is not a lot for them to do. The park is across the street but you don't want to send them there unattended.

I don't want to get in your business, or be an alarmist, but please look out the window. Your little boys are in the garbage dumpster.
They appear to be crawling happily about.

It is not sanitary and due to the trash compacting button, probably not safe.

Not Now, My Toenails are too Long.

I remember when I was a teenager, there was a saying that floated about on tv commercials, etc. It was "not now I am washing my hair" or "I will be washing my hair on Saturday". It was supposed to be a response to use when someone asked you out for a date and you did not want to go.

Radical Muslim cleric Abu Hamza, who faces 16 charges, including incitement to murder and stirring up racial hatred, stated he could not walk from his cell to the special video link room set up to take video testimony. He could not walk to this room and appear via video in court because he stated his toenails are too long.

The Judge adjourned the hearing for a fortnight due to the prisoners "disabilities".